Who Am I truly? My Story from the truth of who I am - 1st Apr 2016

Who Am I truly?  My Story from the truth of who I am



I have just finished my teachers book “Hidden Treasure “– Uncovering the truth of your life story by Gangaji and it has sent me on an even deeper level of self enquiry and given me the motivation and passion to speak my true story.

I feel so blessed sitting up in my kitchen overlooking the yachts bobbing in the harbour and watching the sunrise, listening to Peruquios singing and looking back over my life story and finding the grace and the truth in it all. The doterra oil of motivation and passion has helped me write this blog.

Have you ever sat in stillness and asked yourself these questions. Who am I truly? Why am I here? What is my gift or my purpose in life? What is the truth behind my story? Even sitting still is hard for most of us including myself.Are you living or just existing? There is so much more and have you let life take you to where you get the answers to these questions? Many people who come to Shunyata find out this answer just by sitting still and seeing who they are not – what has been running them – ego and then to go onto who they truly are and what a difference they can make in this world.

What is it that is blocking you? I realise a lot of my blocks were the addiction to drama, tragedyand unworthiness. This magic could happen to everyone else but not me! Hearing Gangaji's story of her life from a deeper prospective I realise that even though we have the same ego type and the same tendency to suffering and tragedy – her story is so different from mine in a truthful way.She found this place of peace and safety at a very early age in the form of an angel– I didn't even look there until 30 years old when I was forced on the path of intense suffering. A lot of my friends couldn't be around me at that time, they preferred the party girl full of highs and lows.

But grace or magic came in so many forms in the last 25 years with amazing teachers and teachingsand I feel so truly grateful to these teachers today and for my willingness and courage to keep on this path. Gratitude takes openness and the willingness to set your ego aside. Gratitude and humility (the 2 highest qualities in my eyes) send signals to all who meet us that we are all connected to something larger than life.

If we truly look back in our life – it was one miracle. My issue was mistrust. I was brought up acatholic and carried a lot of guilt and shame around my sexuality so I was angry with the catholic church. I thought spiritual people were real. I had to learn about the fact that we are all human.Therapists would teach such amazing teachings and then come into my travel agency and be true arseholes. I would shut down and then beat myself up for shutting down because David Deida said we should be open. Another incident came up on the same theme when one of my teachers has an affair with one of his students and thankfully was helped through this one to discover it was all about my self righteousness and we are humans having a spiritual experience and to leave myself some room for mistake and being human.On going to Osho – my master in Pune – I thought I was going to learn about free sex and love –I didn't need a master but what was really going on was my enquiry to What is true love? What is a higher love and what is surrender in the feminine form? Also unknown to me at the time, I got involved in dance therapy which took me to truly fall in love with my body and heal my eating disorders. A true miracle and when my mother died, the person closest to me in whole world, on reading her Eulogy, a priest truly saw my mother, so I healed with the catholic church.


 “If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to man as it is, Infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things thro’ narrow chinks of his cavern.”  William Blake


We are either living from fear (false evidence appearing real) or love. The mind is full of fear, doubt and judgement and 95% of us live from this place. You can't get rid of the mind or fear you have to dive into the raw pure emotion of fear and make friends with your mind. Many people are scared of change and scared of death. If you really want to do this letting go of the ego – you have to die to the old ways and grow up. I was so attached to being sucessful(my ego pattern) to get my father's approval that when I decided to come back to New Zealand to open Shunyata Retreat to help people in suffering, I went into intense fear of the unknown. I had to literally shake with the deepest fear and have never been scared of the unknown since. I was so used to being sucessful as a travel agent, little did I know what Shunyata had to teach me. A deep trust in life.  Now success has been my gift from my father as what is success truly?


You cannot run from your emotions, if it's peace you seek, dive into the core of the emotion!

My feeling that most people who are scared of death haven't lived. This is two certain things in life, change and death so you can understand why so many people are living in fear. I simply love this poem The Invitation by Oriah http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/.

 I knew I had to trulyget ready for the first major death in my life, my mother and what was worse, we had to take her off liquids and food after 5 strokes. This was the hardest time of my life so I spent a year before preparing myself, listening to people's stories and reading lots .Brandon Bays had said grief shouldn't need to take more than 7 days if you go into it totally. I did , I let my emotions be out of control totally and it took 2 months but today I live the legacy of my mother – I live her passion not her suffering. !

Grief has to be felt, time has to be had and everyone grieves in different ways. It is out of control. Some people say get on with it, but society is the cult.

Trust that everything happens for a reason to serve you

In the 11 years I have worked with people many people have strong sabateurs that stop them living their potential.  This sabateur can come in the form of pride, unworthiness, numbness,
fear of confrontation and rage.  My sabateur was so strong when I first did the journey intensive 18 years ago when I came out and my mind doubted everything. But looking back on this memory release,  this journey has been the beginning of a souls learning with my sister.  We had so much sibling rivalry and today we serve each other on a deep level..



My other huge learning in life came to me from 2 of my major teachers – my father and my son.My ego type was so sensitive, I took everything personal and often felt hurt by people's comments.I would hold onto these comments and rehash and go over and over them and then devise a way to get back at them. Well the 2 people who hurt me most, were my son and my father. They taught me to not take it personal and get over the hurt, it was my hurt and I then came out of victim.


Life offers us challenges so we can expand our abilities and stretch our horizons and strengthen in ourselves.


In the 11 years I have been working with people, and in my own life, the other emotion which was often there was loneliness. I now realise I was always running from being alone and until I deeply fell in love with myself, that loneliness has become all oneness. Remember you wake up with you every day, wouldn't it be good to love your own company. This is the best investment you can ever make.

Which brings me to self love. No-one ever taught us to love ourselves. They said this was selfish.What about self caring? How can we be with or love another person if we are not full.? How can we be a carer, mother or any role unless we are there for ourselves?Everything else is coming from ego, either pleasing or trying to get their love ,and eventually you will burn out or crack cause it's exhausting keeping it up.
.My journey and ego pattern had been to get love on the outside,I would try try and try, sell my soul, achieve, do anything to get this love. Often I would burn out which many people are experiencing these days. My candida ,which I asked for a year ago, was this journey of burn out and learning to get my no stronger. It was showing me ways in which my ego was still running me. It also gave me deep compassion for people who had to experience pain in their bodies. I had never been through problems with my physical health and life taught me many things on this path. It was the hardest thing in the world for a foodie like myself, but an incredible learning. The body will tell you what you need to learn and how many times do we ignore it. Right now I have had a pain in my heart so deep, couldn't sleep last night and it has been there for 2 days and I couldn't get the message. On doing a reading it was about the oil of communication. It was telling me to stop, and do this article, and I was looking for who I wasn't being true to in communication and finally truly got this message. As I write right now this pain is slowly subsiding. To think I was nearly ready to go to the doctor.


Everything that happens to you in life is a gift for your soul to deepen – listen to your body!


Forgiveness is so important to clear your soul. It is not easy and can be more painful than the wound. But to have true peace we have to forgive the souls of the people who wronged us. Weare not forgiving their actions.

This was truly hard for me to forgive my ex husband who won custody of my child and harassed me for 10 years after from his pain of me leaving him. But when his soul appeared and communicated that he was devastated that I left him, I could understand why he was so bitter and angry with me. On forgiving his soul my victim story was over from that dayand life changed so deeply

. Often when I am doing the journey here at Shunyata the forgiveness isn't always easy for people, thank god for doterra and their new blend of forgivenss, they smell that and we break through authentically. This sets you free totally and you are supported.  You are forgiving for yourself to be free.

The next topic I want to talk about is prayer and gratefulness. I was asked recently to speak about a prayer around gratefulness and realised that how can you describe this that is the same. You are genuinely grateful when your ego gets out of the way. You don't pray for a million $, you notice what amazingness you have in your life and give gratitude to this. This is prayer. You notice it is not you that has given this to you, it is all of your teachers, your family, your life, your loved ones and everything that has made you who you are today.

Recently on going to the oneness university in India, I named my higher power Sweet Laxmi Divine – sweet to soften me when I am hard on myself, Laxmi for the goddess of abundance as I have had to truly know what abundance is beyond money and divine for the feminine form. I give thanks to her everyday.


There are only 2 ways to live – you can live as if nothing is a miracle or everything is a miracle


My deepest prayer is that people come to get to know who they truly are, their essence, thei rhigher self and dedicate their life to this truth and drop the veils of illusion and denial, that is living from the mind and the ego and share their purpose or their gift with the world.


It is your birthright to be happy and my deepest prayer is  that all beings be free and live from causeless joy

Today I am living the life of my dreams after deeply transforming on the inside, doing the work I love, travelling the world and touching people with a deep love and would want this
for you too

If you want to come and experience a one on one retreat at Shunyata or contact Paru to do a talk in New Zealand please email info@journeyessence.com



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